BREAKING NEWS: Ted Cruz Was Just Arrested By The FBI, Finally Confessed To Being The Zodiac Killer

ted cruz is the zodiac killer

(Source: Wikipedia, Public Domain)

In the early hours of the morning, FBI operatives conducted a top-secret raid on Presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s family home, and have taken him into custody under suspicion of being the Zodiac Killer.

According to sources, the FBI had been gathering evidence against the Texas Senator for a number of years, and would only make a move once they were certain they could put the serial killer away for life.

The first confirmed Zodiac killing took place in 1968, and although Ted Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, the FBI is adamant that there is enough evidence to reach a guilty verdict when the case goes to court.

“He’s a monster,” an FBI agent told reporters.

“When we arrested him, we found him bathing in a pool of mayonnaise, and he just laughed at us as we desperately tried to force the handcuffs over his slippery hands.”

Cruz has been under FBI investigation since 2012, after he praised the Zodiac Killer on Twitter, referring to the mass murderer as a “misunderstood genius” and “somebody I’d love to get a drink with”.

In 2014, Cruz went to a Halloween party dressed as the Zodiac Killer, and while using an A4 printout of the murderers face as a mask, pretended to stab multiple party-goers in what he referred to as “just a joke”.

Witnesses at the party were disgusted with his behavior, claiming that Cruz seemed like he was “reliving his glory days” as he viciously stabbed at men, women, and even children.

It wasn’t until February of 2016 that the FBI had finally gathered enough evidence to go after Cruz, and according to an inside source at the FBI, the Senator had nobody to blame but himself.

“He got cocky, and that led to his downfall,” the mole reported.

“When Ted won the Iowa caucus he mistakenly thought that it meant he won the general election and had become the new President.”

“Knowing that the President receives full immunity to all previously committed crimes, he decided to confess to the entire world that he was the Zodiac Killer.”

ted cruz is the zodiac killer

Source: Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 3.0, cropped

“Yes, all the rumors you’ve heard about me are true,” Cruz bellowed into the microphone.

“I am the Zodiac Killer. I am the one you’ve been taught to fear, the one who haunts you in your dreams, and I am the one who will bring you an eternity of suffering. I am your ruler now.”

After being informed that winning the Iowa caucus did not, in fact, make him the new President of the United States, Cruz pulled a gun from his jacket pocket, fired three shots into the crowd, and fled the scene.

Luckily, there were no deaths as a result of the shooting, although an elderly man was hit in the leg with a bullet and admitted to the nearest hospital.

The victim was about to undergo surgery when Cruz infiltrated the building, located the man, and choked him to death with his bare hands.

This incident alerted the FBI to his location, and they followed him home and made their arrest the following morning.