Controversial New Study Finds Vegans More Likely To Die Young Than Meat-Eaters

Vegans Die Young

(Source: Pixabay, CC0)

For the last few decades vegans have been annoying the fuck out of us normal people by constantly harassing us and telling us that we’re going to die first, but now, the joke is on them.

A controversial new study out of The University of Washington State has just concluded, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you are a vegan you are more likely to die young than your omnivorous counterparts.

The study took 10 years to complete, and looked at thousands of vegans and non vegans, comparing many different factors such as age, gender, ethnicity, income, and most important for this article, age of death.

Researchers noticed that out of the vegan cohort (when compared to the non-vegan control group), a surprisingly high number of them died really, really young – we’re talking mid to late 20’s here.

While there is (currently) no way of exhuming the dead vegans and asking them why they died so young, there is a theory that the researchers are pretty sure makes perfect sense.

Vegans Die Young

Source: Pixabay, CC0

“Most of the vegans that died young were victims of violent crime,” head researcher Scott Vargram told reporters.

“And the only conclusion we’ve been able to come to is that they were killed for trying to force their dietary habits on to other people, as vegans are famous for doing.”

“They were likely in the wrong neighborhood, pestering the wrong crowd, and then BAM, it’s all over for them.”

“They’re like the Jehovah’s witnesses of the food world,” another researcher added.

“If they could just shut the hell up about tofu and carrots for 5 seconds and let people live their lives, there’d be no more shootings.”